On Turning 49

and deciding what matters...

“Fun quote that makes me look smart and cool.” - Smarty McSmartypants

This started as a different post, as so many do. I’m reentering after a long time away. And apparently, this needed out.

I’ll always remember I was five years old watching Saturday morning cartoons when I saw my first starving kid in Africa. All those flies on his gaunt face, I wondered why no one was helping him. Though a man said for the price of a cup of coffee, I could. I never realized people suffered like that before.

They said Generation X was apathetic, and maybe we’ve lived up to that. But I cared a lot, sometimes too much, about everything. I felt overwhelmed by all I couldn’t do anything about. Now I see my kids in the latchkey kids of Coupland’s novel Generation X, and Ben Stiller’s Reality Bites, and the sad-rock of Kurt Cobain. They know more than I did that they’re sheltered, suburban white kids. I only learned about all this later because general market novels, movies, and music were off limits for Evangelical Christians in central California. I’d have to wait for college to realize all I’d missed. And I’m still realizing it. And did you know apathy and empathy are actually opposites? Caring and not caring? How is it “apathetic” when kids know they can’t do anything about the things they care passionately about? Maybe the problem is caring too much.

Maybe kids just don’t care for their parents’ expectations and rules. Maybe their indifference about the picket fences and 401k’s is appropriate. Maybe it’s not good to forget what it feels like to be kids.

People still wonder what’s wrong with Gen X. I think this is it. It isn’t fun to feel forgotten. I always wished I had Ferris Bueller’s trusting parents, or even Elliot’s mom in E.T. Mine were still completely out to lunch like theirs, but they were also way too restrictive and they now admit as much. My daughters feel the same cynicism and pessimism about the future I had, but without the same restrictions, they’re helping us trade our frustration for acceptance. I remain stubbornly proud of my Gen X heritage, but now closing in on 50, I’ve softened. I still haven’t forgotten that little empathetic kid I was. But Trump and COVID changed things, and I see far more change is needed. And we can’t just “get used to” some things. That only makes it worse.

Life is coming faster now, but in the last few years, I’ve been reworking my first novel, trying to educate myself on it and also open my hands and let it be. It’s helped me see the learning experience has been so worth it. Everyone has to decide what’s most important. For me, did I want exceptional kids, or just some exceptional books now and then? If wanting to provide for my wife and kids meant I lost my chance at being “discovered,” oh well. More power to all the unmarried, childless novelists who get to make a difference.

People are shocked when they learn this novel’s taken me about 20 years to finish. That doesn’t mean it’s super good, mind you, I simply needed more time than most. And I needed a family, which was cobbled together out of that restrictive Evangelical heritage. So there’s that. Not to mention quieter people have to escape the crazy.

Writing takes the time it takes. But with love, eventually even those frustrated Gen Xers may begin to accept all they lack and get free enough to grow. I sure hope so.

Learning what you’ve missed is exhausting work, even without extra religious handicaps. But going through it means you can help someone else, if you’re willing. Which I guess I am, not that I’m eager for some public psychic processing. I’m not a fan of opining and pontificating after 20+ years in Christian publishing. And I don’t know how to help anyone with their baggage. But maybe just considering the journey of why and how you got derailed from your life’s true purpose is worth your time.

That’s what my kids are helping me learn. To live as a whole, recovering, balanced person in the world. Or something.

And while we’re at it, why do we tend to suppose all our favorite influencers are somehow doing this 100X better than we are? Aren’t they just on a different leg of their journey? Everyone’s different—that’s a pretty important foundational principle I learned on Saturday mornings too. The beauty of life is diversity and the freedom to pursue equality for everyone. I don’t know what I’m going to do for that kid in Africa who’s either died by now, or is my age, but I can see much more optimistically overall, for a few reasons. And maybe by sharing some of those reasons, I may help someone avoid a pitfall.

I want to pass along this inspiration, though you may already know it: you’re right where you need to be. Don’t let anyone call your empathy apathy. Whatever big problem you’re currently passionate about, you feel that because it matters. And if it matters to you that’s enough for it to matter to anyone. Don’t believe you can’t or shouldn’t care about whatever other people aren’t yet. They can be passionate about whatever they are, but it’s groupthink propaganda that you can’t find the others who care about what you do. They’re out there, and they’re your lifeline.

Take heart and speak it. Let your passion convince other minds. There are starving kids everywhere and plenty of other things to be concerned about too, but I think caring about what you care about is all that really matters now. I don’t regret the time it’s taken me to get here, or the myriad decisions and circumstances it took. Big decisions should take time. Claim that and share it, like this crazy sunset. You can’t trace all the elements that had to converge to bring that particular, unexpected, unforgettable feeling.

But if you share it, you’ll never be the only one who saw it.

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I’ll write again soon. If you’d like more daily inspiration, Higher Purpose Writers is for you.